Failure
Sep 28, 2007 Uncategorized
In less than two days time I have to run a 10K road race, my first – and probably last – ever.
Let me describe my recent preparation
- As you know, I haven’t been drinking for the last 3 months. In that time I’ve drunk like a fish every time I have a “reason”. A “reason” could be
- I’ve been for a run so deserve a beer
- I’m seeing family and it’d be rude not to
- I’m away with friends and it would be rude not to
- It’d be rude not to
- Getting a cold for the 2 weeks before the race and only doing two runs in total
- Eating fillet steak, crispy duck, massive lasagne (not all in one day, but it doesn’t *sound* like race preparation food does it?!?!)
- Whenever I’ve been for a run recently, I’ve made an excuse to stop early
- I forgot how to do stretching exercises. Stretching is the process of making your legs move into different positions that they don’t normally easily go into… well, I’ve forgotten how?!?! I really mean it, I have now idea how to make my muscles stretch
- Forgetting to buy a running shirt so I’ll be running in a normal t-shirt
- Failing to get an armband for my iPod so it’ll have to be tucked into my waistband and then fall out. This will probably happen on the start line so I’ll bend over and cause a domino effect as 5000 people fall over me
- On the good side tho, I have regularly fallen over and been humped by hobos
Anyone for a jaffa cake?
Sep 20, 2007 Uncategorized
Managed the full circuit for my 10K run today woohoo. 1hr 7mins!
- Good things about conkers : the conker trees smell great, it takes you right back to childhood
- Bad things about conkers : a bit like acorns, when you see them on the route ahead of you then you try to kick them (this is I think a male only habit, a bit like the overwhelming urge to throw a stone in the sea when you’re at the beach or scratch your, um, anyway). Trying to kick a conker when running means you mess up your stride, when you mess up your stride you fall over and get humped by a hobo.
- There are no good things about seeing other people when you’re running. This is because no matter what ‘speed’ you’re moving at (trust me I’ve been overtaken by tectonic drift) you have to speed up when you see another person, it just happens automatically. Bstds!
- Good things about losing weight due to running : My shorts are getting less tight around the trouser department.
- Bad things about losing weight due to running : My iPod is tucked into my waistband and unfortunately as this is getting looser I don’t have anywhere to put my iPod
- Don’t suggest between my butt cheeks, that’s where I keep my emergency jaffa cakes.
No snake attacks today thank Jebus
Oh and another thing I forgot to mention
Sep 15, 2007 Uncategorized
I spat on my foot whilst running because I wasn’t concentrating enough to make sure I spat somewhere other than myself.
Shut Up.
The Birds The Birds
Sep 15, 2007 Uncategorized
Jesus Holy Christ,
About two weeks ago, I found a snake under my sofa. Not a worm, not a curled up poo, a snake. An *actual* snake.
See, that’s not OK, it’s not allowed. This is England, not some scary country with wild animals in it (apart from the chavs of course).
So, knowing that, you’ll understand my reaction today when I went for a run (it went well, mainly, thanks) and I had an incident.
You see, I was attacked four times. The first few times might seem minor to you “pff that’s not a real attack” you’ll be thinking when I tell you that on three separate occasions flies flew into my eyes.
Look, wait, stop raising those eyebrows. I was totally concentrating on breathing and running so that I didn’t die. When you’re doing that and something gets in your eye it’s a total pain in the ass/eye and you suddenly realise how hard it is to put one leg in front of another and breath at the same time so that this doesn’t happen…
After a while I manage to scoop the final fly out of my eye (mmm tasty, you need calories) and carry on running…
I’m on a road at this point, no pavement, cars driving past every now and again and some of them containing people that deserve to die in fireballs in a ditch.
At a particular narrow point in the road, I spot a bird flying over my head.
About a second later I GET ATTACKED BY A SNAKE.
Now, if you’re intelligent like me, you’ll realise that the worst thing possible has happened, yes snakes have evolved and grown wings. Mankind’s rule of the planet is over.
The snake somehow manages to attach itself to the cables of my iPod, my life span is now being measured in seconds, I need to think fast and act even quicker. I do the only sensible thing…
I freak out and do a completely stupid dance across the road whilst making primeval noises.
Now you probably remember that I’m currently basically a pedestrian on a road with cars on it, what the flying fuck they think I’m doing I have no idea, if they thought I was a total loony then they’d basically be right. Why one of the drivers didn’t put me out of my misery by running me over repeatedly I don’t know, inconsiderate sod!
The “snake” then dropped off me and I was able to regain some sort of sweaty composure. Did you notice how I wrote “snake” in italics back then? Yeh, because it was a twig. A fricking bird dropped a twig on me, the twig got stuck in my iPod cables and I did the hokey cokey across a road whilst whimpering like a blouse.
When I finally take part in this damned run in October, I totally expect this is going to be the outcome…
Can you guess which one is me?People eat snails right?
Sep 3, 2007 Uncategorized
Well today I achieved a big goal, I ran 11k. Now, I know that’s not a marathon, I know it’s not actually that amazing really, but as you remember, none of you matter and I’m ruler of the universe so kiss my sweaty ass.
Anyway, the experience leads me to pass on some top tips to you lard asses who might one day dream of treading the lonely road into the distance where the sky is bl… sorry, got a bit carried away. Anyway, first the big list of good reasons to run…
- There really aren’t any to be honest
- I suppose, it’s quite nice to be running near fields with wildlife and stuff. I saw piggies today and surprised some cows (although I’d barely got my hand up to my wrist let alone shoulder before it ran off)
- Eventually it’s over and you can die
As for the bad reasons
- If you see a can of Diamond White by the side of the road, it’s not worth checking to see if it’s empty. The same goes for a McDonalds Rolo Milkshake container. On that point, what the hell is the universe thinking of by taunting me with this sort of rubbish that just makes me think of how nice it’d be to be sitting on my ass drinking milkshake?
- Some cars don’t give me enough room. When I’m running and a car gets too close I ought to be able to zap it with something. Then it careers off the road, bursts into flames and the driver realises his mistake as he burns to a crisp.
- I live in an Escher universe. My run starts off horizontal, then goes up hill, then more up hill, along a bit, then more up hill…. and then I arrive home. That’s unpossible and downright unfair.
- When you listen to music on iPod, you forget to breathe.
- Forgetting to breathe is a bad thing when running.
- On the subject of breathing, when you breathe in through your nose it turns out you’re near a smelly cow, if you breathe in through your mouth then you’ll end up eating a fly. If you breathe through your ears then you’re gonna go blue, fall over and get humped by a passing hobo.
- Sometimes my running is so painful I breathe through my ears.
- I could go on about penis chaffing, but I quite like you all, so I’ll finish on the most important point…
- Slugs are not energy food
Filthy Reeeech
Sep 3, 2007 Uncategorized
I know I’m never going to make it to being rich, but boy that’s a shame for mankind as I’m sure I’d be really *really* good at it.
None of this “Oh I’m going to carry on my life pretty much as it is, maybe treat my Mum to a holiday and pay off my mortgage”. None of that at all, you people are going to suffer. And yes I mean ‘you people’ in a derogatory way. What the hell is the point in being rich if you have no point of reference? And the best way to get a point of reference in my view is to flaunt my money in front of you all. Mercilessly.
I’d have staff, well, ok, minions, little people (not literally little people, the oompa loompas always freaked me out, no-one should be more orange than an actual orange). I’d have a gorgeous massage every morning, by a babe of course. Then I’d be washed and dressed by more babes. No more shopping for things like clothes, my staff would know my style (shut your fat mouth!) and simply buy new clothes for me, no more buying anything in fact, they’d know what I want and always get it for me. Unlike you ungrateful swines who *still* haven’t bought me an iPhone. One of you guilty buggers has even fondled one before I have!
It really isn’t true that things are better if you have worked for them, Think about it, the sadness caused by wanting something and knowing you’re going to have to work to get it far outweighs the pleasure of being able to have whatever you want.
Oh look, OK, basically it’s going to be employed-babe-city I admit it. The world needs a slightly less wrinkly Hugh Hefner!
Anyway, after the bathing and dressing and hand fed breakfast, one of my people will have planned my day or week or month out for me and given me the itinerary. Their mission will to be to find awesome things for me to do in my life. “Pete you’re going to Paris for weekend on a private jet” or “Pete you’re going to learn to fly a helicopter for the next few weeks”, “Pete we’ve hired an island for just you and fifty swans for a month” etc.etc.etc. They’ll arrange absolutely everything, down to tiny details like having a different car for me to drive each day and a different supermodel to sniff cocaine off each night, ooh and the badgers, a constant supply of badg…. actually, best keep that quiet.
Now I know you’re thinking “he’d get bored”, “You can’t do exciting things all your life”, “People need stability”. SHUT.UP. That’s just you saying “I ain’t going to ever be rich so it’s best that I imagine how crap it might possibly be to make myself feel better”.
I could easily manage that for the next 50yrs. Actually to be honest if my staff showed me the Ferrari I was due to drive that day and then the leggy supermodel waved to me from the passenger seat then I’d be dead within seconds, but *happy* and dead.
What about my friends and family you ask? What friends and family I answer. Buy new ones!
Now, I do admit that made me pause with doubt. That might be the flaw in my perfect plan really. Is it possible to buy people who are so good at the act that they do seem to be perfect friends? Wouldn’t they just be after my money? Well I’d be really generous and want to share my experiences with people, so providing they never ever messed up or became greedy then things would be fine. Actors manage to act, they do it for money, so surely I can buy people who act as perfect friends would work?
You’re shaking your head aren’t you. But it might. How do we choose friends anyway? It’s kind of a flawed process… who you sat next to in school, who you work with, who you share a single interest in interferring with swa… um… listening to the same music as. It’s hardly a match made in heaven as it is!
Basically, I’d rather be unhappy and yet driving a Ferrari and worrying if my friends were fake rather than poor, using public transport and happy, wouldn’t you?